Matchmaker, Matchmaker
by StormwalkerofLorien
Summary: Tauriel joins the Fellowship as a matchmaking 10th Walker, determined to ship Aragorn and Legolas to avoid the love triangle Peter Jackson has planned for her. Along the way, she falls for the most unexpected of canon characters and pits herself against an evil Mary Sue. Slash, femslash, completely AU silliness. Low T for slight language and occasional innuendo.
1. Concerning OCs

**I thought about putting this in the crossover section, and I was going to, but I figured this takes place in the plotline of LOTR (save this first chapter), with only Tauriel as a character from The Hobbit in this story... it'll be all War of the Ring time frame after this. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my writing, but if you happen to know a way I could get rights to LOTR and The Hobbit, I would love to hear about it :)**

Thranduil's eye was twitching like a flattened insect, and despite her predicament, Tauriel could not help but smirk at his dumbfounded expression.

"This," he hissed, "is what Jackson has brought us?" His well-manicured fingers curled around the glowing screen and slammed it shut, drumming against the top. With his antlered crown, he looked rather like the elk Peter Jackson had given him in the first Hobbit film (the only thing about that film Thranduil had found appealing).

Clasping her hands behind her back and adopting a more business-like tone, Tauriel dipped her head. "Yes, my lord. It is my belief that we must act upon this immediately."

Thranduil pursed his lips. "This 'love triangle,' as you put it, will have the fangirls stark raving mad at our borders. When the last trailer came out, they nearly broke through the outer walls."

Legolas, from his stiff posture beside the king's throne, visibly cringed at the mention of the hordes of fangirls lurking in the Greenwood. Sometimes they piled up at the borders so thickly Legolas was not permitted (nor inclined) to leave the inner realm for fear that he would be overcome by the mob.

"And what of the local congregation of Tolkien purists?" asked Thranduil, his eyes fixating upon his son and Tauriel. "Have you yet ridded the forest of them?"

It was Tauriel's turn to flinch as traumatic memories re-surfaced in her head. "My lord, we found them at the fringes of Dol Guldur, burning me in effigy. My very existence set their teeth on edge, for to them I am nought but a Mary-Sue, the only difference being Jackson's budget and his rights to the story. But now this? The very thought of an Elf and a Dwarf together will cause an assassination attempt at the least, and though I don't particularly like the idea myself, I would rather not suffer at the hands of a purist. They are almost fascist in the way they deal with such things." She shuddered again. "Let us be rid of them forever."

"Well how do you think I feel?" sniffed Thranduil dramatically, tilting his kingly chin in the air. "I do not want my son to fall in love with you, only for you to break his heart with Dwarf scum." Tauriel shot a glance at Legolas, whose head was tilted between her and his father. His feet shuffled awkwardly as he listened to both sides of the discussion with no input of his own.

"I do not want to fall in love with him either, nor the young Dwarf prince. You could always…"

"Yes?" asked Thranduil, his eyebrow cocked like a taut bowstring, as Tauriel's eyes searched the room skittishly, as if trying to find each of the exits before offering her idea.

The suggestion itself tumbled unevenly from her lips as her eyes rested on the floor and she scuffed away dust with the toe of her boot. "You could always… send me into fanfiction," she said to the ground. "I have done the research."

At this, Legolas startled and eyed his father with a desperate plea to refuse the captain of his guard. "But the Sues," he begged, as Thranduil turned to acknowledge him. "They wreak havoc on my life even after they have been slain, when the crazed hormones of their authors linger in the air and give us all chronic sinus congestion. If Tauriel goes into fanfiction, they will be more outraged than the fangirls and purists combined."

"Exactly," Thranduil concluded, throwing Tauriel a twisted smile. "They shall be outraged, and they will hunt her down. They will abandon us and leave us in peace, at least until Jackson releases the film. And even if Tauriel passes away in fanfiction, then our problems shall be solved nonetheless, for there will be no one around for Jackson to ensnare in his - what do you call it? - love triangle. Yes. His love triangle shall fail." His near menacing tone struck Tauriel with a rather odd image of her king tilting his chin back in maniacal laughter, his arms raised to the treetops in satisfaction at the utter brilliance of his plan. This image she promptly removed from her immediate thoughts and stored away in the files of her mind for future entertainment.

Legolas glanced between his father and acquaintance. In truth, he did not know Tauriel very well. They had taken little notice of each other before Peter Jackson had released his trailer for the Desolation of Smaug, and she was hardly ever around. Rumor had it that when she was not fighting, she was in her quarters with the folded silver screen she had confiscated from one of the purists after taking out a raid party. Said purist had been in the process of flaming a smutty Legolas/Tauriel story that he was fairly sure they'd both regretted reading once the purist had been dealt with.

"So you will allow me to enter the world of fanfic? To find a suitable maiden for Prince Legolas - I swear to the Valar no Sues will be involved - and bring them together before Jackson's film comes out in theatres?"

Thranduil nodded. "Very well." He knew not what Tauriel had in mind, but she was rational when orcs weren't involved and naive in the ways of relationships. Which in the end would be an asset, as anyone who had been romantically involved as many times as King Thranduil (including one ill-fated slash-fic affair with none other than Figwit of Rivendell - may we never speak of it again) knew what broken relationships could do to the quality of fanfiction.

Take Mary Crawley from Downton Abbey - Matthew died, and she took to writing tragic angst-filled one-shots where the OC committed suicide in her bathtub, and the last line was always 'they could have lived happily ever after, had the world not rejected their timeless love.' The Elvenking had beta-read some of her tales - thank the Valar season four of Downton Abbey had finally come out and occupied Mary for the time being.

No, Tauriel could not make the the situation any worse than it already was, for she had never fallen into a hopeless love story as of yet. She'd said it herself: she had done the research. So there was really nothing to lose by sending her into fanfiction.

"Tauriel, be safe," he requested, making clear his intention to back her idea. "Go now from my sight, and return when you have settled our business with Peter Jackson in the world of fanfic." He sat back in the throne, satisfied that Tauriel would see his issues resolved.

A mischievous grin spread across her face that she hid with the back of her hand, and with a gracious bow and nothing more to say, she left the room.

What Thranduil didn't know wouldn't hurt him, and contrary to his belief, she had no intention of shipping Legolas with another fair maiden. She'd read enough fanfiction in her time with the silver screen to know all the trends and cliches. Her mind had thought first of a Legolas/OC pairing, but the majority of those were so terrible she dared not imagine how the plot would twist and turn into some dark tunnel of misery. Even Legolas did not deserve to be shipped with yet another Mary Sue.

So, with her extensive knowledge of the common Legomance and how irritating those stories could be -more irritating even then Legolas himself- she had promptly turned to slash-fic. Gimli? It would be a shame to for her twist their intricate friendship into romance. Tolkien had been out on a limb with the two of them anyways. Boromir? Well it would certainly bring about an interesting scene surrounding his death, but knowing Legolas he would undoubtedly fall for the next character - canon or OC - to cross his path afterwards in order to stifle the grief he was feeling. That had left Aragorn… now they would be quite the pair. They already had one of fanfiction's most well-known slash communities, right up there with Drarry, Wolfstar, and Thilbo in terms of popularity (though she had expressed caution in the Thilbo archives, as those tended to be nearly as angsty as your typical Mary-Sue Legomance).

She knew all the tricks of the trade for being dumped into the Fellowship simply from Sue-fics. It shouldn't matter that she was already in Middle Earth, so long as she wound up in the War of the Ring with enough time to get Legolas and Aragorn together by the end.

"Tauriel!" called a familiar voice behind her, and she spun around at the doors. Legolas raced to catch up to her, his admittedly attractive blue eyes glinting with fear. The Elven prince very rarely felt the emotion of fear -and rarely admitted it if he did- but Mary-Sues were a familiar exception to his impassiveness.

"Yes, your Highness?"

"I must see you off, lest you die by the hand of infiltrators, orders of the king. He seems concerned for your safety what with the recent release of the trailer. The Sues could be gathering just outside our borders for an ambush as far as we know."

Tauriel considered this for a moment. Surely Thranduil would not send his own son into fanfiction with her. "Did he ask you to accompany me into the fanfic universe?" she inquired, her voice carefully neutral. No need to reveal any hint of her intentions for the Mirkwood prince.

"Nay, Tauriel. Only to see you to the edge of the forest. And," he reached into a rucksack hanging over his shoulder, "to return this to you, if you find yourself in great peril."

From the rucksack, Legolas revealed the silver laptop with which she had revealed the cursed trailer to her king. She took this from him with caution, lest it be under some dark spell to assassinate her, courtesy of the purists she'd taken it from. She had not used it for anything save the trailer, but to open a fanfiction site could very well prove deadly.

"It is not cursed," assured Legolas, running a hand through his hair (just to be sure there wasn't a lock out of place) as he stared at the sleek metallic object. "My father has made sure of it."

Tauriel raised an eyebrow, but said no more, instead sliding the laptop into her own rucksack and stalking toward the doors of the Woodland Palace, Legolas in tow.

Tauriel was fairly sure that creating a 10th Walker fic would pitch her into the War of the Ring, but she had yet to find the perfect place for that fanfic to come into being. It had to be clear, quiet, and relatively unknown to passerby, which, as the Greenwood grew sicker, became harder to find. Legolas, who hadn't uttered a word the whole time - probably due to his naievity towards fanfiction and concern for the state of his hair (which was now growing a bit unruly in the humidity) - offered up his own suggestion.

"Why don't you just write-in a place? You know, create one in your fanfic?"

"I can't do that," muttered Tauriel, not even bothering to turn around and face him. "Then there would be far too much time spent creating said area of forest; time that would pass closer to the events of The Hobbit than of Lord of the Rings. If enough chapters passed by simply creating a patch of forest in such vast detail, it would force me to move my fic into the LOTR/Hobbit crossover section, and no one ever reads or reviews those crossovers anymore, because both stories take place in the same world. They're far more interested in the individual archives these days, like the Fourth Age and 10th Walker fics."

"What do you care who reviews your fanfiction, Tauriel?" asked Legolas, unaware of how precious reviews were to a fanfiction writer. Almost as valuable as coffee and Saturdays, though Tauriel could not vouch for such assets herself, having been exposed to neither in her lifetime.

So as Legolas's thoughtless comment reached her ears, Tauriel whipped her head around so fast she could have sworn she got whiplash. "Reviews are near as precious as the starlight!" she hissed indignantly, shooting him a glare that could make Smaug himself cower. "They breath life into a fanfiction, encouraging future chapters and bringing the author delight in her work once again." Then her nostrils twitched, and she pursed her lips at the ground. "Except for the flamers, of course," she muttered bitterly. "But they are rarely my concern, as they usually target Suethors. Usually."

"Right," mumbled Legolas, catching her resentful expression. "Rarely your concern. Now where are we going again?" He didn't bother to mention that referring to fanfiction writers as 'she' seemed a bit stereotypical coming from a character who was created to be a 'strong female presence' in the upcoming film.

She called back to him, "To find a suitable patch of Greenwood from which I can insert myself into the Fellowship of the Ring."

They walked for what Legolas took to be hours, in no particular direction as far as he could tell, when at last they came upon a small, moss-laden clearing where the sunlight had washed away a bit of the forest's grave illness. A small creek bubbled through it as if it were reciting a poem, no doubt on its way to join with the river and, eventually, the lake. They could hear songbirds chirping from every direction, a form of music many years lost in the majority of Mirkwood, and it was here that the she-Elf deemed suitable for her story to begin.

She also insisted that Legolas depart at that point, as the Mary Sues and fangirls preferred better known parts of the forest, and the purists' congregation was no doubt hunkering down in the shadows by Dol Guldur, recovering from their earlier defeat. Even as a widely recognized target, Tauriel would need no back up here, and it was not worth the risk of accidentally transporting Legolas to the War of the Ring just in time to watch his future self fall in love with Aragorn. Plus Tauriel, despite her Elven wisdom, did not have a math brain, and all the puzzling mathematical implications and laws of quantum physics surrounding two different Legolases from different eras made her head hurt.

Legolas (in the singular form) was nearing the river by now, quietly humming a common ode to trees when he saw the flash of blue light emanating from Tauriel's clearing. He raced back, bow in hand, ready to sever another Sue's head from its slender, busty form, or fight a purist who tried to die his hair chocolate-brown to match Tolkien's apparent decisions regarding his Elves' hair genes. However, when he came into the clearing, he found naught but a glimmer of AU-dust* and the faint odor of smoke in the air. Tauriel herself was nowhere to be seen.

***AU-dust: sub-type of fairy dust surrounding the creation of an AU fanfic; is most commonly known for spouting from the fairy-godmother's wand in Disney's Cinderella movie to make sure that, unlike the original Grimm version, no one cuts off their toes in the end.**

**Drarry: Draco/Harry**

**Wolfstar: Sirius/Remus**

**Thilbo: Thorin/Bilbo (from what I read, this pairing does often come out to be quite angsty but the good ones are out there)**

**Read and review, folks! Hope you liked the first chapter. **


	2. The Peculiar Enchantments of Lothlorien

**Hey, everyone! Sorry it took so long for me to update! But I am back, back, back *evil grin*. Anywhooz, here, my friends, is chapter 2! Yes, we are at two whole chapters, folks! Thanks so much to my beta reader EphemeralFoxes for taking time to read through this fic, and thank you to anyone who has followed, favorited, or left a review so far. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my writing. I own not LOTR, nor NCIS, nor even Oz the Great and Powerful, but in all honesty I really wouldn't want to own that film, because it was as horribly cliche as remakes can possibly get. But enough of this. On to the chapter... and sorry to those of you who liked the new Oz film, if I have offended you or something. **

Tauriel was walking on darkness and lingering traces of starlight, shadows dancing beneath her feet. She had to admit that the mind space between tales where no plotlines worked their weaving was quite a peaceful realm. She was almost reluctant to wake when the musical Elven voice shook her from her slumber.

"Welcome Tauriel of the Woodland realm," spoke the distinct voice of Lady Galadriel, whom she had never met but who had been present in so many fanfictions that it was easily recognizable, forcing Tauriel's eyes to open and her mind back to the story into which she had thrown herself. She was flat on her back in a dense grove of mallorns, and the Lady of Lorien was looking down at her.

She shook the dreams from her head and stared up at Galadriel. "So… I am in the forest of Lothlorien."

"No," Galadriel deadpanned, boring holes into the Mirkwood Elf with her piercing blue eyes. "You're in Hogwarts."

"Beging your pardon, Milady," said Tauriel, getting to her feet, "But you do not sound like a mysterious queen to me."

The Lady of the Wood shrugged her shoulders. "That description was abandoned long ago when the parody writers decided to portray me as a Sue-slayer and leader of the war against fangirls. I began slaying Mary-Sues, and all of the mystique and obscurity surrounding my character went up in flames. And given the circumstances," she gestured to Tauriel, "I shall have to deal you the same fate." It was then that Tauriel noticed the glinting dagger in Galadriel's hand. Galadriel followed her eyes and shook her head.

"No, you have it wrong, Lady Galadriel," she said quickly, holding up her hands in surrender. "I am neither a Sue nor a fangirl."

"That is what they all say," muttered Galadriel, following Tauriel's gaze to the knife in her hand. "No, I will not stab you. I simply send Mary Sues into Oz. They can always do with more munchkins, as the filmmakers obviously can't come up with any new ideas of their own and are probably going to do remakes of old classics for the next few centuries. Of course, an Elf like you might end up as one of the witches like those two OC's I sent there for their latest Valar-forsaken remake."

"Ugh," Tauriel interrupted, "That film had a two-diminsional plot and one-dimensional characters."

Galadriel pursed her lips. "Yes, I'm afraid that was my fault. The one in spandex was from a GFIME fic - hence the oddly 21st Century dress- and the blonde one was someone's twisted version of me. It was rather disturbing to watch on screen when the movie came out, mind you."

Tauriel stuck her tongue out in disgust towards popular culture's obvious lack of originality, creativity, and the will to put effort into their art forms, as Galadriel returned her mind to the situation at hand.

"Now I'm sorry about this," she informed the Mirkwood Elf, "but I cannot risk another Mary Sue running free in Middle Earth. I must ask you to remove all weapons from your person and put your hands behind your head." Tauriel's eyebrows shot up as she lifted her hands behind her head before the Lady.

"Milady, are you sure this is procedure?" asked a melodious male voice (did all voices in Lothlorien sound oddly musical, or was it just her?) from the entryway to the pavilion in which she had woken.

Haldir appeared at the doorway, his eyebrows quirked in puzzlement.

"Yes, I am quite sure this is procedure."

"But are you sure she is a Mary Sue? She would have asked for Legolas by now were she your average, badly written Sue."

"We shall question her and see," said the Lady gravely, tying Tauriel's wrists with a glowing rope that looked rather flimsy but stubbornly refused to break and leading her from the pavilion, Haldir in pursuit.

They strode quickly through the winding pathways of Caras Galadhon, between beams of sunlight and the whispers of dying mallorn leaves in the wind. Tauriel could see the same early signs of sickness upon this forest as she had come to recognize in her home of late.

She was lead to a smaller pavilion tangled in the roots of the forest. She would have put up more of a fight, but to attack the Lady of the Wood and her captain did not seem like a terribly wise choice to make before she learned the ways of this fanfiction. Despite all she had read, she did not know what was to become of her, nor the nature of whatever tale she had landed in.

She was seated at an intricately painted table as Galadriel left the room, and another woman entered. She had short-cropped, rust-colored hair, not quite as bright as Tauriel's, and she was not an Elf but a human woman, though she was dressed in the attire of Lothlorien.

"You are Tauriel of Mirkwood?" questioned Haldir, leaning his weight against a wooden pillar and crossing his arms over his chest.

She dipped her head. "I am. Why am I here?"

"We must decide upon your place in the quest of the Ring. You could be a Mary Sue, and we have dealt with many of that kind. It has never ended well for either party." Haldir lowered his eyes. "The mind and probably manhood of poor Legolas has been penetrated and tainted with seductive poisons."

Tauriel cringed at the images Haldir's words conjured up in her mind. "But why am I in such a place as this? It looks like Mary Poppins became the next interior decorator for the Secret Service if you understand such references."

"Well, yes," the strange woman admitted with a tip of her head in acknowledgment. "Ever since Lady Galadriel was exposed to popular culture in a crossover story with The Secret Life of the American Teenager." She shivered at the thought. "That tale was cursed. But ever since, the Lady has been absorbed in a strange entity known in other worlds as 'cop shows.' So absorbed that she has taken their methods for forcing confessions upon opponents to heart and ordered the creation of an interrogation chamber. This chamber is where you are now."

Tauriel glanced between them. Clearly Galadriel was just as learned in fanfiction as she was, which could be either an asset or an obstacle depending on what her two guardians made of her. Best not to lie, lest they reach into her mind like she knew the Lady could.

"I am the captain of Thranduil's guard. I am here to join the Fellowship."

"She is clearly after Legolas," Haldir growled even as she spoke, drawing his sword and aiming it for Tauriel's heart.

"No!" Tauriel stopped him, holding up her hands. "I am from the age of Smaug and Bilbo Baggins. Peter Jackson is creating another film, and he has created me to fall in love with a Dwarf prince. He wants me to fill the role of his Mary-Sue, to be involved in a" -she shuddered- "love triangle with this Dwarf and Legolas. I want simply to control my own destiny and escape the clutches of Sue-dom."

"Peace, Haldir," intervened the woman, "I think we should trust her. She clearly has suffered psychological trauma from her experiences." She turned to the seated Elf. "What is your story?"

"The fangirls and Sues were attacking our kingdom," Tauriel began. "The purists were gathing near Dol Guldur, plotting my death. There were fires and rallies each evening where they burned wax dolls of me and sang the chants of ancient tales. I was sent into fanfiction to escape this fate and to find a suitable mate for Prince Legolas."

Haldir and the woman shared a look. "Slash-fic?" they asked her at the same time.

Tauriel nodded. "Aragorn the Ranger."

Her female interrogator raised her eyebrows. "What about Arwen?"

"Arwen?" asked Haldir. "Elrond informed me some moons ago that Arwen was summoned a while back for a political parody in which the state of Middle Earth during the War of the Ring will somehow represent the United States' economic situation and the internal affairs of their government." He shook his head. "Arwen seemed to understand the call. With the upcoming Hobbit film, the fanfiction authors have been overlooking her presence, and she jumped to the occasion. No one has seen her for quite some time. It is possible she found herself shipped with a Rohirric politician, but I dare not ask."

"Wise choice," muttered the woman, turning back to Tauriel. "Modern age politics are not to be meddled with unless it is called upon you to involve yourself. You, Tauriel of Mirkwood, are released from your arrest."

Haldir lay a hand on her shoulder. "We need an alibi, Jennifer."

"Hrmph," she snorted disbelievingly. "No crime has been committed here. I doubt the Lady even knows what an alibi means; she just knows that before they arrest a criminal, the agents always ask for an alibi."

"She'd know what it meant if she watched Judge Judy," grumbled Haldir, but he was silenced by a dangerous look from 'Jennifer.'

"That show is the last thing we need Lady Galadriel fixated upon in such a stressful time," she informed him sharply. "Too much is at risk for our queen to disappear into another legal drama."

"If you do not mind, I would like to know who you are," Tauriel inquired, glancing at the woman who had just deemed her innocent of Sue-dom.

"Me? I am Jenny Shepherd, director -well, former director- of NCIS. We told you Galadriel was interested in cop shows?"

Tauriel nodded.

"Well, she got so upset when the show's producer killed me off that she summoned me to Middle Earth in a crossover fic, and here I have dwelt, interrogating Mary Sues whenever they come wandering into our borders and killing off the hostile ones that break through our defenses."

"Hmm," the Mirkwood Elf grunted. "These are strange times." She looked at Haldir. "So will you let me go? Will you allow me to join the Fellowship?"

Jenny and Haldir shared a look. "Celeborn won't be happy," said the Lorien Elf, but Jenny shrugged. "Celeborn can cope."

Tauriel looked to each of them curiously. "Celeborn can cope with what?"

"It matters not. You are released, and you must go to Lady Galadriel. The Fellowship will be arriving soon as they always do, and we will try our hardest to make sure you go with them. A slash-fic will definitely ward off the Sues. Best of luck, Tauriel." Jenny offered her hand, and Tauriel shook it.

* * *

Galadriel was standing beside her silver basin, gesturing towards its sacred water. "All 10th Walkers who aren't Mary Sues are required to look into the mirror, so they at least have some idea of their fates and don't screw up the story too badly."

Tauriel made a rather confused face, but did not utter a word in response, instead approaching the mirror. She tucked her hair safely behind her shoulder and lowered her face into the water.

Nothing happened. A hand tapped her shoulder, and she lifted her head once more.

"Just a moment." Galadriel looked at her apologetically, reaching down to the basin's pedestal. "I have to turn it on. My latest browser upgrade was for a more recent operating system, but I didn't read the fine print and installed it anyway. Now this thing requires me to turn it on and confirm use every time."

A small sign appeared in the water that stated 'SPOILER ALERT: The use of this device may or may not result in spoilers for the users future. Please confirm use.'

"Yeah, yeah," Galadriel growled, touching the surface over the 'yes' option. The sign disappeared, and Galadriel gestured for Tauriel to proceed.

The water rippled as she lowered her head into the pool. Fires and orcs materialized before her, burning a hill of grass and stone. "No, no," murmured a voice in the background. "We need the tab for Tauriel, not Frodo Baggins. Valar, I hate browser updates."

The scene changed to a kingdom atop a hill, surrounded by dying grasses and the smoke of pillaged towns. A woman clad in white stood atop the tower, her hair blowing in the wind. Four horseman galloped across the rocky plains, no banner to show their identities.

Rohan, mused Tauriel as the water rippled, and her view changed again. A spiked tower surrounded by mud and ruin lay before her now. She saw Legolas, Aragorn and two of the four hobbits chatting over cups of ale. Then the tower vanished, and before her materialized a figure robed in black and clad in golden armor, sword raised for the kill. The figure threw a fell blow, cleaving Tauriel's vision, and she stepped backward from the basin, her heart pounding in her chest.

"What does it all mean?" she asked Galadriel, as the Lady reached down to switch off her mirror.

"It means you must face your own enemy as well as those of your comrades."

"But can you tell me what the different visions show me, specifically?"

"Nay, for if I reveal too much of your destiny, it is no longer yours to decide."

Tauriel groaned. "Why must you be so cryptic? Does Celeborn know anything of use?"

She could see Galadriel lower her eyes at the mention of her husband. "Celeborn knows nothing, not even of your presence here," she confessed sheepishly, "for he is a bit on the… purist side of things. I think it comes from being subject to so many mpreg fics, but I never broached the matter before. It is a relatively touchy subject with him."

"Celeborn is a purist?" Tauriel gaped at her. "As in, doesn't buy the films purist or raging Tauriel-witch-hunt purist?"

Galadriel cringed slightly. "Somewhere in the middle," she answered, then added quickly, "But closer to the former. Do not worry."

"Milady," Haldir peered around the corner. "The Fellowship has arrived."

A smile lit Galadriel's face. "Right on schedule," she announced cheerfully, glancing at the date and time in the corner of her mirror. "I shall greet them."

"In that case," said Tauriel as she strode from the room, "I must retrieve my computer and continue my research on Aragorn/Legolas slash-fic."

**Read and review, folks! Stormwalker out.**


	3. The 'Force' of the Problem

**This is a peace offering for me not having updated in quite some time. You see, my wonderful beta reader has disappeared off the face of the earth, and while I wait for their return, I will publish the next two chapters un-betaed so that you can read them, and then when my beta reader gets to them, I'll republish them with the changes made. So these next two chapters, however undignified and probably not well thought out as they are, will go up like this for now.**

**Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, own nothing. Nada. Too bad, really, because I like to think of all that I could do if I did have the rights to LOTR, but I don't, so I'll just keep up with my fanfic.**

The Fellowship was in its 'lament for Gandalf' stage of the journey, so dubbed by Tauriel because of Legolas's 'state-the-obvious Lothlorien edition' movie line about the mourning songs of Lorien Elves. Tauriel herself had not yet joined their ranks, instead resorting to stalking the subjects of her slash-fic from a distance.

Having just departed from her own little nook a short ways from the interrogation chamber, new ideas of instilling romance were fresh in her mind. Anything ranging from a dropped weapon left for the character's significant other to retrieve to a near death experience that sends both parties of the romantic sub-plot into an emotional whirlwind filled with so much unnecessarily descriptive angst that anyone reading it would have to wash their eyes out with dish detergent to remove the scarring imagery was fair game to her right now. But, because Tauriel was versed enough in the ways of fanfiction not to impose a long, sulking angst-fit upon Legolas or Aragorn, she was going for the simplest option she had read so far: the tried and tested 'mishap with wet substance.'

And so she found herself crouched behind a tree, waiting for Legolas to return from his 'lament for Gandalf' with the sacred water in his hands. How did she know that Legolas would have sacred water? It was an easy scene for the Suethors to use to their advantage. Grieving, emotional Legolas would spout his deepest confessions to their Mary Sues in a heartbeat. Tauriel was taking a far simpler approach, as the friendship between Aragorn and Legolas that Tolkien himself developed caused them to confess everything to each other anyway.

Legolas glided gracefully toward his companions, the silver pitcher in his grip. All Tauriel had to do was stick out her foot, and Legolas would, with luck, fall over and his pitcher empty itself onto Aragorn. And with even better luck Leggy himself (as the fanfiction authors and obsessive Elf-memers liked to call him) would fall on Aragorn. But alas, Legolas had the typical grace of an Elf, as well as a fair amount of discretion that would not leave him staring wordlessly into the Ranger's gray eyes.

But it was always worth a shot.

Aragorn was twirling his sword around and around by its handle, and Legolas was gracefully (of course) pacing between the mallorns with the pitcher in his hands. "A lament for Gandalf," he said softly.

That was her cue.

"What are their songs?" asked Aragorn, staring up at the Elf with a fire of grief in his eyes. He felt angry at himself, Tauriel mused, for not being able to do something about Gandalf's death, and yet he was angry with Gandalf for abandoning them. Well, conflicting emotions were generally a good starting point for romance, so despite the pity she felt for the Fellowship, she knew Gandalf would eventually return; she'd boned up on LOTR fanfiction, and she couldn't help but feel rather smug at how well the fic was setting things up for her.

Being Elvish herself, she knew how difficult it would be to trip Legolas. But he was in mourning, and hopefully his grief would dull his sense of balance. She felt somewhat cruel in all of her hopes, constantly reminding herself of the impending threat of old PJ's love triangles and her knowledge of the LOTR story gleaned from fanfiction.

So, knowing that her plan was most likely doomed to failure despite what seemed like a natural set up, Tauriel stuck out her foot over the mallorn roots and waited for the emotionally distraught Legolas to approach.

Legolas glanced toward the ground in what Tauriel figured was an attempt to hide the way his face scrunched up with he was upset, his thumb running over the silver pitcher. His eyes caught sight of the booted foot protruding from behind a particularly large tree, and he did a double take, managing - much to Tauriel's delight - to spill half of his pitcher over Aragorn.

The Ranger blinked a couple of times, as if he could see something no one else could.

"My eyes!"

Legolas looked shocked as he found the red-haired she-Elf looking at him sheepishly from behind the tree. "Why would you do such a thing?" he asked her indignantly. "That was water from the Mirror of Galadriel!"

"Why am I seeing rays of green light?" screamed a rather panicked Aragorn, who was now striding in cirles with his hands over his face. "And rays of red light! What is this massive beast amongst the stars?"

Water from the Mirror of Galadriel, was it? She cupped her hands over her mouth. "I meant no harm, Legolas Thranduillion," she muttered darkly, shooting another glance at Aragorn. His eyes had grown haggard and gaunt. "So they call it the Death Star," he growled under his breath. "What evil is this? What awful masterpiece has Sauron created? The Death Star will unleash the destruction of us all!"

Legolas turned back to glare at this mysterious Silvan Elf.

"Oops," she whispered. "It did not occur to me that the water you were carrying was from the Mirror of Lady Galadriel. I know not the mourning customs of Lorien. Nor was I aware of how deeply rooted Galadriel's browser problems are in the Mirror's content."

She knew what the Death Star was and where it came from, and the matter did not trouble her. But Aragorn would probably be plagued with nightmares of Darth Vader for the next week. Oh, well. Could always be another 'bonding experience' for him and Legolas.

"Now see what you have done," huffed Legolas. "I know not who you are, but you have disturbed our laments."

She cringed. Not the best way to meet the folk who she would be traveling with for the next few moons. Maybe it was time to get off on a better foot.

"Pardon my mistake, Legolas. Might you inform me as to who your companions are?"

Legolas cocked a suspicious eyebrow. "How do you know my name?" he inquired with more than a little reservation. "And from where do you come?"

Tauriel cursed herself inwardly in Polish (Note: It should be known that through her excessive reading of fanfiction, Tauriel had picked up curses in a number of languages, despite how little she knew of the 21st Century dialects themselves). "I am Tauriel of the Woodland Realm," she informed him. "Galadriel has requested that I accompany you on your quest."

Legolas groaned miserably. "We do not need another Elf's request to join us. And I would prefer not to find myself entwined in another romance."

"You just wait," Tauriel muttered to herself, before responding loud enough for Legolas to hear, "I have no interest in your love. And for your information, Galadriel already cleared me of any title as a Mary Sue. She subjected me to a whole NCIS interrogation."

Legolas wrinkled his nose in confusion. "I do not understand half of what you just said, but if you have been acquitted of all charges - including 'tortured past in nonexistent city' and 'teenage assassin who can wield a sword like she was born with it in her hand,' and -oh yes- 'giving the love interest a whole lot of crap before they hit it off' then perhaps I should direct you to Aragorn. After all, he is our leader."

Legolas's eyes scanned the clearing for Aragorn, who he could just distanly hear muttering, "The Sith are coming. The Sith are coming."

"Well, perhaps you should speak with him when he has regained his mental health."

Legolas wandered off again, leaving Tauriel to wonder why he looked younger in the War of the Ring than he did while he was still the snobbish prince of Mirkwood spouting his father's opinions just to make himself seem clever.

Maybe it was because after all the time he spent on his appearance, he had finally come to terms with the fact that it wasn't the elleths he was trying to impress. It was Aragorn. And now that he knew that, he was at peace with himself. Or Tauriel was just overthinking the entire matter altogether, but she put that thought aside. If Legolas wasn't going court the Ranger on his own, then she would just have to help him with it.

**As always, read and review and comment on my utter randomness :)**


	4. Boatload of Questions (and crappy puns)

**I know, this chapter is probably anything but grammatically sound, but as I stated at the beginning of last chapter, I****'****m posting un-beta****'****d until my beta reader is back on the grid and has time to beta and write fanfic. So yeah. Without further ado save perhaps the disclaimer, here is the latest chapter of Tauriel****'****s fan fiction adventures!**

**Disclaimer: I own no one except for Algethor and the Modern Merlinian Cult, which I don****'****t think I even have an explanation for right now. And my theory about fan fiction being nothing but a complex sequence of numbers. But I don****'****t own anything else. **

In time, Galadriel had finally explained to the rest of the Fellowship who Tauriel was and why she was accompanying them. She dared not allow Tauriel to introduce herself again, for fear it would end the way it had when she'd tried to speak with Legolas. It seemed Galadriel was as eager for Legolas and Aragorn to fall in love as Tauriel, for it would ward off some of the Sues.

Tauriel had also learned that Galadriel was suffering from multiple personality disorder, courtesy of the overlapping universes of fanfiction. The Lady had done her best to explain how fanfiction created alternate universes in which the characters have different fates. This much Tauriel had discovered on her own, but she was surprised to hear how these worlds were intertwined, as they all followed the same general plots.

So if she were to put it into mathematical terms, the true canon would be the average number of times each event occurred in its different manners throughout the story. Which meant that canon was really just a complex sequence of numbers. Or maybe she was just overthinking the whole thing. After all, Galadriel had already explained the result of her own case.

Some fanfiction authors portrayed her as the enigmatic queen of an equally enigmatic realm, with a regal and powerful demeanor. Others depicted the Lady of Lorien slinking around with her fairy tale mystique and magic mirror, and even others (mostly those who wrote parody) had her as a sword-wielding Sue-slayer who, given the combination of her skill and magic power, ultimately transformed into a Mary Sue anyway. It was complex self-parody, but mathematics and stylistic devices aside, Galadriel was not particularly happy about her emotional instability. Sometimes she wanted to pick up a sword (or a handgun, for the modern era writers), and other times she fell back into a Disney witch persona.

Now Lady Galadriel - who was, fortunately, not suffering from her emotional disorder at the moment- was sending them off in their flimsy Elven boats, bestowing a gift upon each member of the Fellowship.

"Remember," she had informed Tauriel, "Stay strong in the battles of fans, and do not brand yourself a Sue when danger approaches." She handed Tauriel a sleek, flat device that seemed to function as her computer did.

"Milady, what is this?"

"It is a tablet. I tried to get a Mac Air, but the Valar are stingy when it comes to Apple products finding their way to Middle Earth. They were already upset that one of the purists had brought a computer, and I had to plead your case quite well for them to hand this over."

Tauriel curtsied and thanked the Lady of Lorien, making her way over to the canoe that held Aragorn, Sam, and Frodo.

"Join Legolas and Gimli," she said to Aragorn. "I will row for the hobbits." He shot her a curious look, but agreed. After the disaster her last plan had become, Tauriel had set aside her laptop and settled for forcing them into some old-fashioned male bonding. Luckily, Lorien served some of the finer Elven wines (she had nothing to comment on Thranduil's favorite spirits, as she generally abstained from his drinking parties before he could inebriate his pet moose), so she'd left Aragorn and Legolas to themselves in the winery and spent an awful lot of time learning the details behind her worlds of fanfiction from Lady Galadriel. All while avoiding Celeborn the Purist and his inevitable inquiries as to who was raiding his wine cellar. She was sure that by this time her two new companions had formed an unbreakable friendship. But whether it would yet blossom into romance was unclear.

Boromir climbed into the canoe behind her and took up a second oar. "May your journey be successful, and may you return to the light," said Galadriel in what Tauriel had deemed her 'omniscient fairy godmother' voice as they pushed their boats away from the bank. Behind her eyes, Tauriel could see the conflict brewing between her multiple fanfiction personalities, but she said nothing more as she watched the Fellowship row away from the safety of Lothlorien.

Once they were out of earshot, Boromir leaned forward. "I know what you did to Aragorn," he whispered harshly. "If your intentions toward this Fellowship are dishonorable, I will personally take you out."

"I'm not familiar with that phrase, but it does not sound very friendly," she muttered in response. "And I assure you, my intentions are wholly honorable. Do you wish to rid yourself of the Mary Sues?"

"I see I am not the only one here who reads fanfiction. What do you have in mind for getting rid of those insufferable OC's who tag along at every given opportunity?"

Tauriel had no need to lie to Boromir about her plans, as he seemed genuinely concerned for the safety of the Fellowship. The blasted ring had by no means taken him yet. "Are you opposed to the idea of setting up Legolas and Aragorn in a slash-fic?" she asked him cautiously. She did not yet know how the members of the Fellowship reacted to the idea of slash.

"Often I have read good slash in my spare time, when I am lingering in the world of canon after my death and waiting for another tale to pick me up. The Elf and the Ranger belong together."

A smile spread across Tauriel's face at his approval. The inhabitants of Middle Earth during this time period had not yet lost faith in good slash-fics. But as she mulled over his words, something he mentioned struck her as odd.

"But wait - isn't canon nothing more than a complex sequence of numbers? And didn't you die in canon as well?"

Boromir chuckled, leaning out the side of the boat to check on the hobbits and their destination ahead. "You are both overthinking and under thinking canon, Tauriel of Mirkwood." He straightened out their boat with his paddle before continuing. "But you are right. Boromir did die in canon, but there's just one little thing: I'm not the real Boromir."

Tauriel gaped. "What do you mean, 'not the real Boromir?'

He grinned a very un-Boromir-like grin and pressed his finger to his lips. "Hush," he told her. "The hobbits cannot hear this. No one understands this gap between worlds and fanfictions besides us in this Fellowship. Even Aragorn and Legolas do not know where the Mary Sues are coming from.

"As for who I am, fanfiction needed someone to fill the roll of Boromir, and I fit the bill, I guess. My real name is Algethor Plotfiller. You know when Bilbo decided he'd run off with Smaug and start a detective agency? I filled in for him. My brethren in the 21st Century-verse have filled in for multiple celebrities who faked their deaths, run off, and joined the Modern Merlinian cult outside of Las Vegas. You know, Freddie Mercury, Elvis Presley, Lindsey Lohan…" He trailed off.

"Lindsey Lohan is not dead."

"Give it a couple years, Tauriel. Though I see you have kept up with your popular culture."

"May I just call you Boromir, Lord Alger-something-whatever?"

"Of course," he said casually. " Though compared to some of your names, mine really isn't as hard to pronounce as you make it out to be. I haven't filled another role since Bilbo, and I quite like being Boromir. Had its drawbacks, of course, mostly in the area of painful deaths, but I get along quite well, and I have a lot of spare time."

"So you essentially are Boromir?"

"Yes, that is the basic idea."

Tauriel pursed her lips, trying to wrap her head around Boromir's words. "What about characters like Theoden?"

"Professor Tolkien's story doesn't really elaborate on his death. Canon just leaves it out all together, because as you said, canon is basically an average of different events, and the average fanfiction author doesn't write Theoden's death scene. So in canon, he doesn't really die. He just passed the throne onto Eomer and retired upon reluctantly agreeing to return to power whenever fanfiction needed him."

Tauriel passed the day barreling this now-stranger with questions to pull focus away from the dull ache in her arms, until Aragorn shouted back to them from the other boat. "We make for the Western shore!" he called, and Tauriel nodded to Boromir.

"I concur!" she yelled in response. They weren't being particularly discreet at the moment, but she supposed the safety of Lothlorien had gotten to their heads. They would have to be more careful when they reached the shore.

The water got shallow quickly, and soon Boromir and Tauriel were forced to hop out of the boat and push it on to land. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimil were already bringing out supplies for a meal before they continued on their journey.

"Where are Frodo and Boromir?" asked Pippin after what seemed like a good portion of daylight spent setting up a temporary camp.

"Orcs!"

"Crap."

The remaining members of the Fellowship glanced at Tauriel, puzzled.

"I mean, Oh, Valar! The orcs are coming!"

**Now! Let's have a vote: Another crossover character will show up in a much later chapter, and while I'm not sure how much sway this vote will have over the gears turning in my mind and the decision of my muse, you get to vote as to which of these four characters will appear in Lorien approx. ten chapters in the future! **

**Your choices are:**

**Sherlock Holmes (most likely in his rare and forgotten Jeremy Brett form, as that is my favorite, though I might take pity on popular culture and allow him to appear in his Benedict Cumberbatch form depending on the mood I'm in at the time)**

**b) Effie Trinket (Be forewarned that if she shows up she might get shipped with Haldir, although no promises, because Jenny might end up with Haldir as well… but there will be no love triangles)**

**c) Irina Spalko (because in movieverse, she could have quite the existential, philosophical discussion with Galadriel about the nature of alternate universes)**

**d) Gibbs (Because Jenny is already there. No other justification necessary.)**

**Anywhooz, take your vote by review or by PM! **


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